Thursday, April 14, 2011

     I had a series of three ESI's *(Epidural Steroid Injections) and the third one hit on something that made me jump and flail (sp?) on the table like I was struck and electrocuted. After 5 yrs.,I have become bedridden and am only 45. I know there must be something that can be done. I am willing to have surgery due to the excruciating pain that I experience on a daily basis. It is very hard to try and live a life when you can't walk or stand long and have two teenage boys to keep up with.
     Most of the time I do research on all of my symptoms, but it has come to no avail, since the amount of symptoms are endless and so are the possibilities, it seems. It is too hard, sometimes,to live a life, that I never dreamed could happen to a person. I never ever thought that a person could go through and endure such agony in their life, but now know that it can happen and does..everyday. I hate that I have found that it seems I am going to be stuck here in this bed and not doing the things that I love so much. No one realizes how much it takes away from a person's life. They are able to work, and I am talking @ work of any kind. I can't even take the clothes out of the washing machine. I have moments and they are few to where I can do a little and that is very little. I pay for it too, but I love to work and do creative things like draw or take pictures. I was a photographer in Jr.High and High School and have so many photos, but I guess that is a good thing for now I can share a lot with the people in my life. I am thankful to the people in my life for they inspire me so much to keep pushing to get well. I have almost given up so many times and feel so depressed that I am stuck here, but maybe The Lord had a reason..you know, HE has a reason 4 everything that He does and if it is here that He wants me..then here it is. It is hard to accept when you have been put in a place that is dark,lonely and sometimes feels abadoned.

This is some of the most recent MRI's that I have had and you can see the actual screws poking  into my spinal cord and believe me, I FEEL them..but, I am wondering @ where I was hit by the ESI's.. I suppose to have that film, but instead of my NL sending that one to me, he sent an old one from a NL before him, that I had seen and on his report(which was written stated that I had a small area of tangled vessels and connected to a dominant vessel. IT DOESN'T SOUND 2 GOOD, but what are they doing to help me..??? Absolutely NOTHING, actually just basically dropped me. THEY just let me go. I don't understand. WHY? WHAT DID I DO? I AM NOT WELL and THEY are just going to let me go home and DIE or I should say, FEEL LIKE I AM DYING. I SHOULD AT LEAST BE TOLD WHAT IS WRONG AND WHAT I NEED TO DO TO GET BETTER..DON'T YOU THINK?

     I have always been a driven active person and desparately need my life back in some shape or form...better than it is now. I pray that there is some way that I can stop this pain that is so undescribable and horrid. There must be some way to live better than this, because to me this is not living. Yeah, I may be able to watch a lot of TV and lay around, in whic everyone thinks that it is a luxury. It may well be a blessing to be able to lay, but it is not what I had in mind 4 my future.I miss being active like I was and the pain has taken so much out of me that I don't have much time to enjoy being with my boys, who need their mom.
     If anyone knows of how a person who has been struck, maybe in the nerve fibers or close enough to my spinal cord to cause such misery in one body, can be repaired in some way or any way. Maybe, I could have the nerve burned or something. If anyone knows of HELP out there, I am right HERE..I don't think I am going anywhere...NO, I am right here,stuck in this misery I call my life, but try my best to keep The Lord right by my side, so He, at least can comfort me..and He does so much.
     I am in this little town of AR and am so desparate in getting my life back. I am still fighting for my life and it is so sad when you ask a friend to help and the only reply they have for you is..All, I do is play piano...Yeah, I know that, but where is the heart..where is the sympathy or empathy that I need so bad and when I reached out to this person, I felt so disgustingly desperate, but I couldn't help it for I felt that this person could help me..if he wanted to...REALLY.
     I used to sing and dance in Nashville,TN. The place that holds a lot of wonderful memories and happiness,but IT is gone now. I use to play the guitar, an ovation, but now it just sits, in its case and is gathering dust. I write songs of love and inspiration..IT is very thereaputic to me and helps me rid a lot of anxiety and depression.
     I have been DX with: DDD of Cervical,Lumbar, & Hip/Joint,Spondylosis,Myofascial Pain Syndrome,Spinal Stenosis,CM(Chiari Malformation 6.5mm),VA(Venous Angioma),although I have seen new information that was added). I have a small area of tangled vessels in the left cerebullar hemisphere  and that there is one dominant vessel extending from this. When I read this, it scared me to death and the pain that I have been experiencing at the base of my skull in the back of my neck feels like I am dying. I have been swelling at the base of my skull and that is a scary, scary feeling of helplessness and it can make you have a feeling of hopelessness as well. I do feel like I could be having an aneurysm or something. I feel like I am fighting for my life,yet I am getting NO WHERE. I shouldn't be having this and don't understand why or how this happened to me. IT had to be where they hit me in the back with the ESI because the only other culprit is my surgery that I had in my neck. IT was an ACD & F spinal diskectomy of C5-C6..I am sure you have heard all of this b4, but I know there is someone out there that can help me..THERE HAS TO BE a way to get me well again..Are you the one? Can you help me? I do know that you wouldn't want to be where I am, think if we switched places, what would you do to get help? It is like H*** on Earth and that is the truth.
     I am thankful to my PCP, who has taken care of me these last 2 yrs. I don't know what I would have done,for he has held me together like I was glued and am greatful and I do have faith in his knowledge and abilities. If it had not been 4 him, I would have probably already lost my mind from taking all of this PAIN. He is a fine doc and I believe he does care or he wouldn't have helped me and I do know he believes and understands me.You know who you are and I don't know if you want me to use your name, but I thank you so much Dr. W...<3 Thanks so much, <3 Karen...suffering in AR

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