Monday, April 18, 2011

     I have a lot of things on my mind...always. For one thing, I worry 4 my parents who have taken care of me for so long and how they worry so much @ my health..and @ me.
     Tell me, what do you do,if you couldn't seem to get well and had tried so hard to do so? I just know, we have traveled all around and ridden that road,my mom and dad, ALWAYS driving the way. We have tried and it seems that we find, it's just another dead end. I am so tired of dead ends and I know,my parents, they are too. They do so much 4 me, all the times, they have taken me to doctors and even mom comes over,as bad as she feels, to rub my legs and feet with lotion,and I am so greatful 4 such love as they have and have shown me, all my life.
     I can say that my mom and dad, are good people, have good hearts and live Godly lives, in which, has been the inspiration 4 me to stay close to The Lord. Both of them, try dilligently to get me to go to Church,still, in the shape I am in,as if in denial of me being so ill. if I could go, I would.."Lord Knows", but most of the time, I can't move and that is THE GOD HONEST TRUTH.. it really hurts me not to be able to go or to move for that matter. It also hurts me to just lay here and feel helpless and sometimes, it can make you feel hopeless. It just @ drives me crazy...sometimes. IT is tough, that I don't get to go and do anything (at least mom and dad put a birdbath outside my window, so I can watch the birds and I like that)...
     THIS IS IT, my life..and there are times I feel, I have let The Lord down...but then again, I know, He understands and knows just what I am going through and it seems to me, that people just don't realize or understand the complexity of what I am going through. SO, it just makes it hard and it always seems to fall, always on my mom and dads shoulders and that does make me so angry, at times and I don't understand why it always has to be them, but we live and then we learn, later, that some people just don't try hard enough. We see that, but make excuses for them.
     I do know that my sons do understand, especially Bryan, for he is here and there for me, all the time and he sees his mom in pain and I know it hurts. It hurts me,that it is hard on him and I hate that..If, I had to see my mom in pain, it would hurt me too. Even though, it is hard to know that your mom is down and don't seem to be getting better, just know, that I am a Christian and you will see me again someday soon..BUT ONLY, IF you follow The Lord, then, we will meet again...in Heaven...when those doors open and I am there with my arms open, just like our Lord's Arms are open for us..IF we would just let Him in..and not fight IT..WE have to fight, for what is right..Then, when that day comes He'll take us home.
     I want my boys to know, that mom is trying, trying to get well, and to be well. You know, that I push myself hard to get through each and everyday. I hate it 4 my boys, mom is really trying to get better, but I don't know what else to do(of course, if I would quit smoking), that would help me tremendously..I know that. IT'S HARD, but, Don't give up on me, for I will never give up..never. Although,I have been to doctors to find out, what all is wrong with me and of course, they have given me a list of things that are wrong with me, BUT there has to be something, SOMETHING that they are missing, that can get me OUT OF THIS BED..Here's me still praying.."Lord Willing"..I will get beter...:))
     I love my family and God loves them all, for at least, they do try..at least, they do try. I know, deep down that they are worried 2, but still, I hope they see me in their hearts, up and feeling alive again SOON, ME too..:))) <3

                                MY WONDERFUL PARENTS, WHO I LOVE AND ADORE

     I must say,for a long time now, I have been disgusted @ what ALL my sons have endured. It is, and seems to be,not fair, but we all have learned that life is not fair and we ALL have our own crosses 2 bear. We just have to rise above the negative and dwell on the positive..and that is all I have to say on that subject, for it hurts too bad 2 talk @ IT, since my life seems to be so hard... hard 2 bear at times and I juat pray 4 our lives... first to be right with God..THAT IS MOST IMPTORTANT.
      I try to stay positive, but sometimes life can really make that hard to do and that is when The Lord said to give it 2 Him..I've had to give HIM a lot, because it was just too much 4 me 2 bear. You know, it is hard for me to see how my life has changed. I can't even make it to their door now,which is only 50ft. away.
     I know, I don't ask them to rub my feet or cook so much food, but they do it anyway..because I am their only one. It is hard on them to accept that I may never get out of this bed. OH LORD, please help me get out of this bed and find me a way to get my health back and some of my life..
     I know that the only way for me to be truly happy is to live my life 4 U, ALWAYS and I am doing the best I can, LORD and know that You are there..ALWAYS 4 me.
You know, I am not able to go to Church or anywhere else, much 4 that matter,in the state of health that I am in, makes it hard for others to understand. It is just hard for someone to put themselves into someone elses shoes.. I am not going to lie and say that I am not afraid, for I am very afraid of all of this. I am not worried @ dying or should I say, where I'll go afterwards:)))..we all have to... one day, I have already talked with The Lord and He knows all @ me.
     I am not well and I know that there is many,many symptoms that can't be explained. I know there is something seriously wrong with me,because I have been suffering for a long time...getting over 5 yrs. now . It is just that a child doesn't suppose to go b4 their parents. That is hard and it puts a lump in my throat because I want to be around for a long long time, and I never ever want my parents to suffer. For I know, everyone knows that when you saw my mom, you saw me. We were always together and done everything and my dad was not far behind....
     GOD BLESS ALL <3 Karen
     GOD BESS ALL and I pray that your life has peace..always..<3 Karen

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