PAINS, MEDICATIONS...AND SYMPTOMS...OF CONCERN.
I have many bad days due to my back in which I have learned to deal with and do not get outside much...as limited walking abilities and deal with fatigue a lot. At times, I wish that I could just throw out everything and hope one day I will weaned myself off and able to function like a normal person who wakes up refreshed and able to accomplish things. I just hating having to remember them all and the times of day. It is a pain...to just have to keep up with that. :o
Having to take meds...isn't a bit fun. Some have the mis-conceptions that having to take Morphine..is fun. No...I have to take it, but it comes in a pain patch. It is stronger than that they give you at the Hospital..supposedly..that is. I was so afraid to put my first patch on even. I was so afraid that I had to call my friend and ask him, what I was to expect. He said that I was over thinking it and to relax and just put it on that it would help control my pain. He was already taking a higher dose himself and was aware of what I was to expect...hopefully pain relief, for that was all that I needed. After, I relaxed and did as he said...and not think or worry @ it, it did seem to help and didn't bother me.
I have worn the Fentanyl patch for @ 6 years now and only upped my dose once. I actually went up to a higher dose one time, but it was short-lived. I just refused to raise it and after taking it for 2-3 months...titrated back down...to my second dose and have stayed there. I feel, no matter...I am gonna be in pain. I just have to endure some of it and face the pain. Yes, I do grit my teeth and bare a lot of pain and others don't see just how strong of a person..I really am. I could take the higher dose, but it is only going to call for an even higher dose later. SO, I decided that I was going to stay on a small dose and just deal with it. Some days are harder than others, but...I feel that I will need surgery or something, to get me back on my feet.
I do have to take a number of medications, but am trying to manage Fibromyalgia and Addison's disease, besides the numerous back herniations and pinched nerves. I think it more of being dependent on the prescription medications which is always a managing act to have a day where you are able to go out and get chores done.
I am grateful to some of the natural alternatives that I have found! They really have given me more strength, to get through most of the hard days. I use essential oils that go through you olifactory nerves. Another words, you smell them and they are instantly working. My favorites are Peppermint..which, help me with Migraines, nausea and just smelling it..gives me a lift. Sweet Basil...has joined the ranks too. It really boost my moral and helps with nausea. Lavender..is most people's favorite. It has such a lovely fragrance and is used for MANY different areas. But, I have so many oils that I use now that help me...I would be lost without them and their wonderful benefits. :)
For now deal with as less as possible to not to get to being so dependent and have any withdrawal symptoms. The fact that people who do not understand and think of your a drug addict is what really saddens me fo them not understanding all the things we go through in the bad days with flairs and with me a hurting back and heavy legs being all stiff and they do not understand those moments and days where it get so bad as you mainly are staying your home and go through periods of complete agony. And the only thing you can do is try to let it run its course and try things other than medications to get back, to a point where you can do things with dealing with any pain. The pain meds basically, just take off the edge and the Gabapentin(Neurontin) is helping me with with the nerve pain. Any friends or family that don't see...I stopped any explaining with them. They gonna think what they want to anyway...and I don't need to get stressed nor should I have to defend myself.
It is sad really that so many are suffering and have to go through so much already...as it is. They really don't need the 12th degree, on how they deal with their pain.
MY MEMORY these days...IS NOT DOING TO WELL. I FORGET..IN A SECOND OF WHAT IS GOING ON OR WHAT I was FOCUSED ON...OR/AND WHAT I SHOULD BE DOING. IT REALLY HAS ME CONCERNED OF WHAT IS GOING ON.. IS THIS SOMETHING THAT WILL EVER BE CORRECTED..OR WILL I BE LIKE THIS FOREVER? I mean...I KNOW THAT THE ADDISON'S IS PRETTY MUCH FOREVER...UNLESS, THEY DO FIND AN ADENOMA OR CYST ON MY PITUITARY..WHEN THEY DO the MRI, BUT..I AM PRAYING THAT THIS IS SOMETHING THEY CAN FIND IS CURABLE..OR FIXABLE. IT IS WHY...I AM GOING TO DOCS...TO FIND, WHERE THE ROOT OF THIS PROBLEM LIES.
SINCE, I APPARENTLY NEED TO WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING..THAT HAS BEEN HAPPENING TO ME. IF, I DON'T I WON'T REMEMBER. I KNOW, THAT IT SOUNDS RIDICULOUS, BUT IT IS TRUE THAT I JUST CAN'T RETAIN SOME THINGS AND IT IS HARD FOR ME TO RETRIEVE IT. I THINK, MY BRAIN FEELS EXHAUSTED AND OVERWORKED. I DO FEEL...HOWEVER, THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG AND HAS TO BE FOUND!!
I AM EXPERIENCING WAY TO MUCH PAIN, BURNING, CRAMPING-MOSTLY IN MY CALF/FOOT MUSCLE AREA, BUT I HAVE MANY OTHER DEEP ROOTED PAINS. SOME EVEN FEEL VASCULAR AND MY BRAIN HURTS. I HAVE BEEN HAVING STRONG, SHARP PAINS THAT RUN THROUGH MY TEMPLE AREA MOSTLY, BUT HAVE PAIN OF ALL KINDS GOING ON IN MY HEAD. IT IS NOT THE SAME AS A HEADACHE...THESE ARE HEAD PAINS.
I HAVE NOTICED THAT MY SPELLING HAS BEEN BACKWARDS, A LOT HERE LATELY. I MEAN, I COULD SPELL THE WORD COMPLETELY BACKWARD AND SOMETIMES, WILL DOUBLE THE LETTERS EVEN. ON OCCASION..I HAVE WRITTEN THE WORD..DOUBLE..BACK TO BACK..YES, THE SAME WORD. NOW, THAT IS NOT RIGHT AND I KNOW IT. I FIND MYSELF HAVING TO GO BACK OVER EACH AND EVERY LINE, TO MAKE SURE THAT I DIDN’T MISSPELL SOMETHING.
WHEN, I USE MY MAIL AND COMPOSE A LETTER...IT HAS AUTO CORRECT AND IT MAKES IT SOME EASIER. IF YOU MAKE A MISTAKE..IT CORRECTS IT. I SHOULDN’T BE MAKING THOSE MISTAKES...IN THE FIRST PLACE. WHEN IN MY MIND...I SEE IT CORRECTLY, BUT ON THE PAPER WRITE IT DIFFERENTLY. (>Surprised smile) I DON’T WANT TO MAKE THOSE MISTAKES.
SOMETHING IS WRONG AND WITH THE PAIN THAT I AM HAVING IN MY BRAIN...IT MAKES ME WONDER, IF THERE ISN’T SOMETHING UP THERE..PRESSING ON SOMETHING THAT JUST HASN’T BEEN SEEN. MAYBE, IT IS SOME MICRO-ADENOMA OR SOME KIND OF CYST? I HAVE BEEN DX’D WITH AN EMPTY SELLA...AND THAT IS WHERE SOMETHING IS PRESSING ON YOUR PITUITARY. SO, IT IS VERY POSSIBLE THAT IT IS ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT I MENTIONED EARLIER, BUT PRAY THAT IT IS NOT. THE ONLY THING IS...IF, IT IS...IT CAN BE REMOVED AND I MIGHT GO BACK TO HOW HEALTHY I WAS BEFORE. Hmmm...IT ALMOST SOUNDS LIKE IT WOULD BE BETTER. :o
BUT, I WANT WHATEVER IS WRONG..FOUND. WHAT’S SO BAD IS...THAT I CAN’T FIND A NEUROLOGIST, WHO CAN DIAGNOSE WHATEVER IS WRONG, IN MY BRAIN OR PITUITAY. I CAN’T FIND ONE PERIOD..OR A GOOD ONE THAT IS..WHO, KNOWS @ THIS PITUITARY ISSUE THAT I AM HAVING.
I HAVE TRIED SO HARD TO FIND ONE AND IT SEEMS UTTERLY IMPOSSIBLE AND I AM NOT GOING BACK TO SEMME’S AND MURPHY, IN MEMPHIS. I HAVE MADE UP MY MIND...THAT I JUST DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH THE TREATMENT THAT I RECEIVED, WHILE THERE. THIS WHOLE PROCESS STARTED, AFTER I HAD THAT SURGERY ON MY NECK. I KNOW THAT I NEEDED THE SURGERY, BUT IT WAS DONE BY SOMEONE(NS) THAT I DIDN’T EVEN CHOSE. I WAS BEING SEEN BY A DIFFERENT DOC, WHO TOLD ME THAT HE WAS DOING MY SURGERY, NOT THIS OTHER DOC. I HAVE GONE BACK SEVERAL TIMES AND PLEADED FOR HIM TO GO IN AND LOOK OR TO MAKE ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT EVERYTHING WAS FINE FROM THE C5-C6 SPINAL DISKECTOMY, BUT HE WOULDN’T GO IN AND LOOK.
NOW, I STAY SWOLLEN IN MY NECK A LOT AND THE PAIN IS ALMOST UNBEARABLE AT TIMES. BELOW, WHERE HE DONE THE LAST SURGERY(C5-C6), I AM IN AGONY. THAT AREA...CAN’T EVEN BE TOUCHED AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. ALSO, HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT I HAD A TUMOR IN MY NECK, RIGHT WHERE THERE IS AN "X" THAT MARKS THE SPOT ABOVE. Hmm...MAKES ME WONDER, WHAT IS GOING ON IN MY MUSCLES, TO CAUSE SUCH HAVOC!! >:o
I TRY SO HARD TO STAY POSITIVE AND HOPEFUL THAT SOON, I WILL FIND A GOOD NEUROLOGIST, BUT FOR NOW..I AM STUCK HERE AND IN THIS MISERY. I EVEN HAVE WRITTEN “THE DOCTORS” IN HOPES THAT THEY WILL BE ABLE TO HELP ME FIND A NEUROLOGIST...OR POSSIBLY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I MUST ADMIT THAT IT WOULD BE GREAT, IF THEY COULD GET ME EXAMINED AND DIAGNOSED PROPERLY...TO WHAT IS TAKING MY LIFE FROM ME.
WELL, I AM SKIPPING AROUND IT SEEMS AND AM BACK TO THE DOUBLE LETTERS ISSUE, BUT IT IS SOMETHING THAT IS REALLY BOTHERING ME. I AM ALREADY HAVING TROUBLE WITH MY SHORT-TERM MEMORY..NOW, THIS SKIPPING. MY BRAIN ACTUALLY FEELS LIKE IT HAS SOME ELECTRICAL RHYTHM TO IT AND LIKE IT SKIPS..LIKE A RECORD DOES, ON A TURNTABLE. SOMETIMES...IT IS MORE NOTICEABLE THAN OTHERS, BUT IT HAS DONE THIS FOR A WHILE NOW AND SEEMS LIKE, IT IS GETTING WORSE. AT FIRST, IT WAS LIKE A SMALL THUMP..EVERY NOW AND THEN, BUT IT HAS INCREASED IN INTENSITY AND FREQUENCY. IT DOES FEEL LIKE A RHYTHM OF SORT, BUT PULSATING. WHEN IT COMES TO THINKING OR DOING, IT CAN GO FROM ONE THING, TO THE NEXT AND SEEMS LIKE I CAN’T CONTROL THAT..SOMETIMES. (Surprised smile) I GET CONFUSED EASILY, IRRITATED AND IN A FOG. I WILL SMILE AND TRY, BUT INSIDE I FEEL LIKE CRYING.
WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH..CAN REALLY CAN BE SCARY, BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I FEEL LOST AT TIMES AND LIKE I AM IN SOME DEEP DARK HOLE AND NEED SOMEONE TO PULL ME OUT. NOT LITERALLY, MIND YOU...BUT A PERSON CAN ONLY HANDLE SO MUCH. I AM SO GRATEFUL THAT GOD IS WITH ME...OR I DON'T THINK THAT I WOULD BE HERE. I REALLY DO BELIEVE THAT AND THE LORD ALWAYS COMFORTS ME, IN MY TIME OF NEED.
SOMETIMES, I FEEL LIKE I AM HANGING FROM A CLIFF, FROM ALL THE STRESS IN MY LIFE AND I KNOW THAT IT SOUNDS LIKE I AM UNDER AN EXTREME AMOUNT OF STRESS AND MAYBE, THIS COULD BE ANXIETY RELATED. NOPE...I LET GOD HAVE ALL MY STRESS. WELL, I AM NOT GOING TO LIE AND SAY THAT I DON'T HAVE STRESS...BUT I KNOW THAT GOD IS THERE AND HE ALWAYS TAKES IT FROM ME...AND COMFORTS ME.
HE IS WHO...THAT GETS ME THROUGH IT ALL. (Smile)
BUT, @ MY FINGER RIGOR OR JERK. IT IS BAD AND I HAVE NOTICED...GETTING WORSE. DUE TO THE FINGER ON MY RIGHT HAND...I WILL WRITE DOUBLE TRIPPLE OR MORE..seee, I LEFT IT...AND IT CAN BE THAT BAD, WHERE I CAN'T CONTROL IT.
ALSO, I EXPERIENCE A CONSTANT TREMOR, MOST TIMES IT IS IN MY UPPER BODY, BUT ON OCCASION HERE LATELY....I HAVE BEEN FEELING IT IN MY LEGS TOO. (Sad smile) MUST SAY...THAT IT IS A MISERABLE FEELING AND CLOSELY RESEMBLES "RLS".
MY LEFT HAND HAS BECOME COMPLETELY IMMOBILE AT TIMES AND WHEN, YOU CAN’T MOVE YOUR HAND OR MAKE A FIST AT ALL, THEN IT MAKES YOU WONDER..."WHAT IS GOING ON??" IT MAKES ME THINK @ THAT SURGERY IN MY NECK AGAIN...AND IF, THEY COULD POSSIBLY LEFT SOMETHING ON TOP OF A NERVE. I WAS TOLD THAT THEY DID, BUT I CAN'T PROVE IT. I ONLY HAVE THE WORD OF A WELL-RESPECTED CHIRO THAT DONE SOME X-RAYS AND SEEN, WHERE IT WAS PRESSING ON MY BRACHIAL PLEXUS. YOU CAN UNDERSTAND, IF...SOMETHING TAKES YOUR LIFE...AND DOES WITH IT WHAT IT WANTS...YOU ONLY WANT RESOLUTION.
I DON'T HAVE CONTROL OVER THESE THINGS.WHEN, MY LEFT HAND HAS THIS PARALYZED FEELING..I CAN’T STAND ANYONE TO TOUCH THAT HAND. IT FEELS SO STRANGE AND CAN'T STAND ANYONE TO MESS WITH IT. IT DOES NOT FEEL LIKE IT IS MY OWN HAND, IT FEELS FOREIGN.
MY RIGHT FINGER IS SIMILAR, BUT IT HAS A MIND OF ITS OWN. IT WILL JERK AND MOVE ON ITS OWN AND SO, DOES MY RIGHT SHOULDER. I CAN’T CONTROL IT. MY HANDS FEEL SO WEAK AND MY LEFT HAND HAS LOST COMPLETE FUNCTION SEVERAL TIMES. I WILL HAVE TO JUST LAY IT ASIDE, ON A PILLOW OR SOMETHING. I CAN'T USE IT...IT FEELS SO STRANGE AND USELESS.
I SURE HOPE THAT THIS ISN'T MY HEART. PLEASE GOD, DON'T LET IT BE MY HEART. I HAVE SEEN A CARDIOLOGIST, BUT IT WAS LAST YEAR AND HE DONE ALL THE TESTS..BUT, I DIDN'T GET TO WEAR THAT MONITOR THINGY. I WAS SUPPOSE TO, BUT I DONNO WHAT HAPPENED? I CALLED BACK A LITTLE LATER AND HE WAS RETIRING. OH, NOW THAT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY I DIDN'T GET TO FINISH.
ALL OF MY OTHER TEST THAT HE DONE WERE GOOD AND NORMAL, SO I DIDN'T FEEL AT THAT TIME, I NEEDED TO BE REFERRED OVER TO ANOTHER ONE...DUE TO HIS RETIREMENT, BUT...I SURE WISH NOW THAT I WOULD HAVE GOT TO WEAR THAT MONITOR(24hr), JUST TO MAKE ABSOLUTELY SURE.
ALSO, I AM HAVING TROUBLE MAKING MY HANDS AND LEGS DO, WHAT MY BRAIN WANTS THEM TO DO. I WILL GET CONFUSED EASILY, OVERWHELMED AND CAN'T FOCUS WELL. ALSO, OTHER THINGS THAT I DO ARE BACKWARD. SAY..IF, I GO INTO A ROOM, TO DO SOMETHING...AND THE LIGHTS ARE ON...I WILL TURN THEM OFF. :O I DON'T KNOW WHY I AM DOING THAT AND THERE ARE OTHER THINGS THAT I NOTICED, I AM DOING. IF, IT IS TIME TO TAKE MY MEDICINE, I WON'T TAKE IT...BUT HAVE NOTICED THAT I WILL HOLD THE MEDICINE IN MY HAND. I HAVE EVEN HELD IT IN MY MOUTH. WHY?? I DONNO WHY. I WILL HOLD MY BREATH SOMETIMES AND DON'T EVEN REALIZE THAT I AM DOING IT. THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS THAT NEED TO BE ANSWERED.
I HAVE NOTICED THAT ....I CAN THINK AND DO SOMETIMES...BUT, IF I DON'T REACT FAST...I WILL GO TO SOMETHING ELSE AND FORGET @ IT ENTIRELY. IF, SOMEONE CALLS AND I HAVE TO TELL THEM SOMETHING IMPORTANT...I BETTER DO IT QUICKLY OR THEY WON'T GET TOLD. I WILL FORGET...AND IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW IMPORTANT IT IS. THIS WORRIES ME...
SO MANY THINGS GOING ON IN MY BODY. MY MUSCLES WON’T FUNCTION PROPERLY AND SEEM LIKE THEY HAVE A MIND OF THEIR OWN. I AM SO EXHAUSTED BY IT ALL AND IT IS MOST DAYS THAT I FEEL THIS WAY. AT LEAST, 9 OUT OF 10 DAYS...ARE PRETTY ROUGH. ALL I WANT TO BE..IS HEALTHY AGAIN AND ABLE TO GO AND DO, WITH MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS.
HERE LATELY...WHAT HAS BEEN DRIVING ME CRAZY IS THAT I AM SO FORGETFUL. IT IS SO BAD..THAT IF, I DON'T BLURT SOMETHING OUT THAT IS ON MY MIND, I WILL FORGET. I DON’T HAVE MUCH TIME TO GET SOMETHING OUT OF MY MOUTH AND IT MAKES IT HARD TO GET ANYTHING DONE. I CAN'T RETAIN ANYTHING, IT SEEMS. I HAVE TO BLURT A LOT OUT AND HATE DOING THAT...BUT, IF I DON'T I WILL LOSE IT. I WILL LITERALLY LOSE TRACK ENTIRELY OF WHAT I WAS EVEN TALKING @...OR WHAT I WANTED TO SAY.
COULD THIS BE AN INFECTION OF SOME SORTS? I AM WONDERING, SINCE I HAVE SO MANY SYMPTOMS THAT IT SEEMS LIKE IT IS SYSTEMIC.(THROUGH-OUT THE BODY) IT SEEMS LIKE IT AFFECTS EVERY SYSTEM THAT I POSSESS. IT COULD BE MY CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM THAT IS AFFECTED, BUT I CAN'T FIND A GOOD NEUROLOGIST, TO RULE THAT OUT AND THIS IS GETTING MONOTONOUS. I DO KNOW THAT MY MOTOR SKILLS, SPEECH, VISION, MEMORY, FORETHOUGHT, DEPTH-PERCEPTION, BALANCE, GAIT, INVOLUNTARY MUSCLE MOVEMENTS, SPELLING, WRITING AND THINKING PROCESS, ETC...ARE ALL AFFECTED. THEY ARE OUT OF WHACK AND I AM CONCERNED. THE REASON I SAY...THE ETC...IS IT GOES DEEP AND FWHEEEW..IS ALL THAT I CAN SAY. BELIEVE IT OR NOT...BECAUSE THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO THIS...THAN, JUST WHAT I HAVE SAID.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHERE THIS IS ORIGINATING FROM AND WHAT I CAN DO TO STOP IT.
THANKS FOR LISTENING TO MY VENTING...BUT, AS YOU CAN SEE...I DO HAVE SOMETHING TO BE CONCERNED @.
MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU. Smile
