A needle in a HAYSTACK!!!

IF LIFE, ISN'T HARD ENOUGH...UR HEART IS HEAVY TOO...AND I FEEL LIKE
"A NEEDLE IN A HAYSTACK"


I HAVE MY FAIR SHARE OF PROBLEMS.
I HAVE BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH DDD OF THE CERVICAL, LUMBAR & HIP/JOINT AND DO HAVE 4 HERNIATED DISKS IN MY THORACIC(T8-T11), WITH T 10-T11 HAVING HYPERTROPHY,CHIARI MALFORMATION 6.5mm, SPONDYLOSIS, MYOFASCIAL PAIN SYNDROME, VENOUS ANOMALLY IN MY LEFT CEREBULLAR HEMISPHERE, "EMPTY SELLA", T3-T4 COMPRESSED FRACTURE, CERVICAL RADICICULOPATHY, PERIPHERAL NEUROPATY, PRE-DIABETIC, HIGH CHOLESTORAL, SCIACTICA, FIBROMYALGIA AND ALLERGIES.
SO, I AM BASICALLY FALLING APART, BUT I AM NOT GIVING UP. NO, I AM A FIGHTER. U HAVE TO BE TO BE A SURVIVOR...

HAVING TO STAY IN BED IS NO LUXERY AND IT SURE ISN'T ANY FUN TO BE STUCK HERE...LIKE "A NEEDLE IN A HAYSTACK"...  I AM LOST IN A SEA OF PAIN, BUT I KNOW, I DO HAVE MORE THAN SOME HAVE...AND AM TRULY BLESSED. SO. I AM GRATEFUL THAT I DO AT LEAST, HAVE MEANS OF COMFORT...THAT HELPS ME MAKE IT THROUGH ANOTHER DAY. I KNOW, THERE ARE SOME DON'T HAVE ANYTHING...AND I PRAY FOR THEM TO RECIEVE COMFORT...AND LOVE FROM THOSE AROUND THEM, BUT MOST OF ALL LOVE. IF, A PERSON DOESN'T HAVE THAT....THEN, IT IS MUCH HARDER :P


A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO, I TRIED TO DO SOME LIGHT HOUSE WORK...AND I BENT OVER...ARGHHH, MY BACK IS PAYING FOR WHAT I DONE. WELL, I JUST CAN'T STAY STILL IN THIS BED. I HAVE TO GET UP SOMETIMES AND WHEN, I DO...I FIND SOMETHING THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE...THEN, OUCHHHH, I PAY.
I ALSO HAVE A T3-T4 COMPRESSION FRACTURE THAT IS VERY PAINFUL AS WELL AND ADDED TO THAT MISERY ON ITSELF...IS THE ACD & F SPINAL DISKECTOMY SURGERY THAT IS ALWAY TENDER AND CAN'T BE TOUCHED, BUT THE DOCS DON'T SEEM TO THINK THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG THERE. WELL, WHERE THERE IS PAIN...THERE IS A PROBLEM AND I HAVE SUFFERED SINCE, I HAD THE SUGERY DONE AND WAS TOLD BY OTHER NEUROSURGENS THAT I DIDN'T EVEN NEED THE SURGERY IN THE FIRST PLACE.
THE SURGERY WAS DONE BACK IN '06 AND IT ONLY COMPRESSES THE ISSUE OF THE T3-T4 COMPRESSED FRACTURE. I WOULD BE WILLING TO BELIEVE THAT WHEN, THEY DID THE SURGERY AND LEFT THE T3 AND T4 LIKE IT WAS....OR WHY DIDN'T THEY FIX IT WHILE THEY WERE THERE? WHY WASN'T I AWARE OF IT, ONLY AFTER I READ IT ON PAPER...A YEAR LATER. WHY DON'T SOME DOCTORS TELL U WHAT IS GOING ON...AND NOT WAIT UNTIL, U THE PATIENT IS SUFFERING TO NO END. STILL, THEY DON'T SEEM TO HELP, ONLY CUT ON U AND MESS U UP, THEN, NO ONE ELSE WANTS TO TOUCH U OR HELP U.
I AM JUST ANGRY THAT I HAVE SUFFERED SO LONG AND THE ORIGINAL SURGEON (NS) HAS IGNORED MY PLEAS FOR YEARS. NOW, IT LOOKS LIKE IT IS ALL COMING BACK TO THE SURGERY. YES, THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG IN THERE...I FEEL IT!!
I WILL SCRATCH, CLAW, ACHE MOAN AND EVEN YELP OUT AT TIMES, ALL DAY FROM THE PAIN IN MY NECK..YET, I CAN'T GET ANYTHING DONE.
NO ONE CAN GET A GOOD VISUAL OF JUST WHAT IS GOING ON IN MY NECK. THEY ONLY SEE AN ARTIFACT AND THAT IS ONLY, A BLACK HOLE THAT IS SEEN. THEY CAN'T SEE THE NERVE THAT IS BEING PRESSED IN MY NECK AND IT IS KILLING ME!!!
I AM A MOTHER, WHO IS STUCK IN BED...AND MY KIDS HAVE NEEDED ME FOR YEARS...YET, HERE I AM PINNED LIKE "A NEEDLE IN A HAYSTACK"...AND THAT IS HOW I FEEL. I AM LOST IN A SEA OF PAIN AND ONLY WANT TO BE ABLE TO STAND ON MY OWN TWO FEET...AND BE THE MOTHER I ALWAYS WAS...AND STILL AM.:P

THIS IS A PIC OF ME AND MY OLDEST SON SHANE. HE IS HAVING A PROBLEM WITH UNDERSTANDING WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH, SINCE HE DOESN'T SEE ME EVERYDAY. HE DOESN'T LIVE THAT CLOSE TO ME, AT ALL. HE HAS CHOSEN TO STAY AWAY FROM ME...BECAUSE HE IS ANGRY AND I AM SO HURT AND DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I NEED TO DO. I AM SEVERLY DISABLED, SO I CAN'T GO OR DO ANYTHING, BUT HE WILL UNDERSTAND, ONE DAY.:P
THIS CANDLE, HE GOT ME FOR CHRISTMAS, BACK YEARS AGO, BUT I LIGHT IT ON EVERYONE OF HIS BIRTHDAYS, TO CELEBRATE IT AND I THINK, OF ALL THE YEARS THAT WE WERE APART AND HOW, IT WASN'T MY FAULT OR HIS...THAT HE IS NOT WITH ME. HE WAS TAKEN FROM ME.

WE HAD A GOOD FAMILY THAT WERE HONEST PEOPLE THAT LOVED THE LORD. HE WAS A GREAT KID THAT WAS SO QUIET AND BASHFUL, BUT WE DID THINGS TOGETHER...LAUGHED AND CRIED TOGETHER. HE PLAYED T-BALL AND IT JUST WASN'T HIS THING, BUT FISHING...WE BOTH LOVED IT AND WE WENT TOGETHER EVERY CHANCE WE GOT. WE WOULD FISH UNTIL THE SUN WENT DOWN AND WHERE WE COULDN'T EVEN SEE THE CORK...hehe.:D
WE HAD A GOOD LIFE THAT WAS GOING SO WELL, BUT THAT WAS INTERRUPTED, WHEN HE TOLD ME HE WAS ABUSED. I STOOD UP FOR HIM AND FAUGHT FOR HIM TO BE SAFE...AND IT EVEN WENT TO THE COURTS, BUT SINCE THE OTHER PARTY HAD A JUDGE, FOR AN UNCLE AND ALL SORTS OF PULL AND THE MONEY TO FIGHT, THEY GOT CUSTODY OF MY SON...MY LIFE!!!
WHILE ALL OF THIS WAS HAPPENING...I WAS EXPECTING ANOTHER SON, AT SAME TIME.(8mos). I WAS IN A MESS OF WORRY OVER WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO MY SHANE, BUT DID ALL THAT I COULD TO PROTECT AND SAVE HIM FROM ANY MORE THAT HE MIGHT HAVE TO FEEL..IT WASN'T ENOUGH, I GUESS, FOR HIM TO UNDERSTAND THAT I WASN'T THE BAD GUY HERE...I ONLY LOVED HIM..  

WE WENT THROUGH ALL THE COURT STUFF, IN WHICH I HATED, BUT THEY NEVER FOUND ME TO BE UNFIT OR UNTSTABLE. NO, THE DOCUMENT THAT WAS SENT BY MAIL...JUST SAID,
"I WOULDN'T GIVE UP THE ABUSE ALLEGATIONS...THAT IT WOULD CAUSE TORMOIL BETWEEN THE FATHER AND SON."
THIS WAS ALL THAT THE DECISION READ.
BEFORE, I GOT THIS ANSWER...I HAD TO WAIT FOR 2 WEEKS TO FIND WHAT WOULD BECOME OF MY SON.
WHEN, WE WERE IN COURT...THEY DIDN'T READ IT ALOUD THE DECISION...NO...I HAD TO WAIT UNTIL, THEY SENT THE DECISION IN THE MAIL, BUT WHEN IT DID COME...I FELL TO MY FEET AT THE MAILBOX. I WAS OUT OF MY MIND, AT THAT MOMENT. I JUST GOT INTO MY CAR AND DROVE TO MY MOMS HOUSE, IN WHICH...SHE WAS ONLY A COUPLE OF MILES AWAY THEN...
WHEN, I ARRIVED...JUST THE LOOK ON MY FACE TOLD HER THE ANSWER THAT SHE WAS OH SO DREADING TO HEAR. SHE WENT CRAZY AND STARTED TEARING THE HOUSE UP....BREAKING LAMPS AND RIPPING THE PHONE, BASICALLY FROM THE WALL. HER BLOOD PRESSURE HAD GOT SO HIGH AND I HAD TO CALL 911 AND I WAS AFRAID THAT I WOULD LOSE MY MOM TOO.
THIS WAS TOO MUCH FOR ME TO DEAL WITH...BECAUSE I WAS ALREADY AT THE WORST POINT IN MY LIFE AND SHE, BASICALLY RAISED HIM LIKE HE WAS HER SON TOO. SO, WE BOTH LOST SOMEONE NEAR AND DEAR TO OUR HEARTS THAT DAY. WE KNEW, LIFE WOULD NEVER BE THE SAME...AND IT WASN'T!!

IT WAS WAY TOO MUCH FOR ME TO TAKE IN THAT DAY, BUT IT DOESN'T MEASURE TO ALL OF THE PAIN THAT COME TO HIS OR MY HEART AFTER THAT. I THINK, FOR 5 YEARS, I WALKED AROUND LIKE A ZOMBIE OR IN A DAZE FROM THE BEWILDERMENT OF IT ALL...
FOR THE PAIN THAT I CARRIED IN MY HEART WAS BECOMING TOO MUCH, FOR ME AND I TRIED EVERY WAY THAT I COULD NOT TO FEEL, BUT I STILL DID.
THERE IS NO WAY TO ESCAPE THAT PAIN IN UR HEART OR THE LUMP THAT STAYS IN UR THROAT. SO, I HAD TO EVENTUALLY, GIVE IT TO THE LORD, FOR GOD TAKES THAT PAIN AWAY FROM US AND HELPS US MAKE IT THROUGH ALL OF THE HARD TIMES. 
IT WAS A BURDEN THAT WAS WEIGHING ME DOWN...AND ALL I COULD THINK OF...WAS HIS WELL-BEING...HIS HAPPINESS. GOD DOES SAVE US, FROM OURSELVES WORRYING TOO MUCH OR TRYING TO FIX THINGS THAT CAN'T BE FIXED...IT SEEMS. HE HELPED ME FROM ALL OF THAT. HE TOOK IT FROM ME, BUT OF COURSE, I STILL HAVE TO FIGHT EVERYDAY TO GIVE IT TO THE LORD, BUT I DO AND HE IS ALWAYS THERE. I DO DEPEND ON THE LORD AND HE ALWAYS COMFORTS ME.:D

I GOT SICK FROM WORRYING TOO MUCH. YEAH, I DID. STRESS CAN KILL U. I KNOW THAT NOW. IT JUST WAS TOO MUCH FOR ME TO CARRY...IN MY HEART...IT WAS TOO HEAVY.:P 
WHAT AN ORDEAL TO GO THROUGH AND ONLY BECAUSE I WAS TRYING TO PROTECT MY SON. THE JUSTICE SYSTEM IS UNFAIR, BUT GOD HAS A REASON FOR EVERYTHNG...I DO WONDER SOMETIMES...WHY???? BUT I GUESS..HE DOES HAVE A REASON. FOR EVERYTHING THAT IS DONE. I JUST HAVE TO KEEP THE FAITH AND BELIEVE THAT ALL IS GOING TO WORK OUT...SOMEDAY.:)

WHAT HURTS ME MOST...IS ALL THE TIME THAT I LOST WITH HIM...BEING AWAY FROM EACH OTHER...AND WE HAVE FOR SO LONG. HE DIDN'T GET THE CHANCE TO KNOW ME.:((( HE DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO KNOW ME, AT ALL.:P
ON TOP OF EVERYTHING...HE WAS TOLD BAD THINGS @ ME. I KNOW, BECAUSE HE TOLD ME. ONE DAY, HE TOLD ME OF SOME OF THE THINGS THAT HAD BEEN SAID AND IT HURT ME TO THE CORE. WHAT IS SO BAD...IS JUST TO KNOW, THAT SOMEONE COULD TELL A CHILD SUCH THINGS @ THEIR MOM AND HURT THEM, INTENTIONALLY. IT MAKES ME SEE JUST WHAT ALL HE WENT THROUGH AND HOW UNFAIR HE HAD IT...WE HAD IT, TOGETHER, FOR HURT FOR HIM, SO MUCH! 
THERE WAS NO REASON TO TEAR ME DOWN, TO HIM. I NEVER WOULD DO THAT TO SOMEONE...OR TEAR ANYONE ELSE DOWN. I HAVE MADE MISTAKES, BUT WHO HASN'T AND THAT DIDN'T AFFECT ME BEING A MOTHER. BEING A MOM IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING THAT I AM!!! IT IS WHO I AM.:D

I PRAY THAT HE CAN SEE SOMEDAY JUST HOW MUCH THAT I LOVE HIM. AFTER, HE HAS HIS OWN...HE WILL SEE JUST HOW MUCH LOVE IS THERE.
I KNOW, WHEN A CHILD IS RAISED A CERTAIN WAY AND TO HEAR THINGS THAT THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND @ ONE OF THEIR PARENTS....IT CAN BE CONFUSING AND THEY, DON'T KNOW WHO IS TELLING THEM THE TRUTH. WHEN, THEY ARE INTENTIONALLY SEPERATED FROM ONE OF THEIR PARENTS...THEY FORM AN OPINION, ON THE SITUATION...BY WHAT HE IS INSTRUCTED TO DO OR HAS LEARNED TO DO.
IT IS MUCH HARDER FOR THEM, BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE ALL THE FACTS....AND THEN, THEY DON'T GET TO SPEND TIME WITH THAT PARENT, TO FULLY UNDERSTAND OR KNOW, WHAT HAS ACTUALLY HAPPENED BEHIND THE SCENES. THEY HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH STRESSES OF THEIR OWN AND CAN'T SEE WHAT HAS ACTUALLY, WENT DOWN.
IT IS SO HARD ON A PARENT TO SEE THEIR CHILD ABUSED, MISTREATED...AND ABANDONED...YES, I SAID ABANDONED. MY SON, ACTUALLY TOLD ME THAT HE WASA LEFT SOMEWHERE ONE TIME AND THAT THEY JUST LEFT HIM THERE, FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS...HE SAID. I CAN SIT AND IMAGINE SOMEONE DOING THAT TO MY SON...AND IT MAKES MY BLOOD BOIL. I THANK THE LORD THAT HE WAS SAFE AND MADE IT THROUGH THAT HARD ORDEAL, BUT I CAN'T PHATHOM HOW SOMEONE COULD DO THAT TO A CHILD OF ONLY 7.
I ACTUALLY, HAVE A LETTER THAT MY SON GAVE ME, AT ONE POINT...AND HAVE KEPT IT. IT IS SO HARD TO READ, BUT I AM THINKING @ TAKING A PIC OF IT AND ADDING IT TO THIS POST, BUT WANT TO ASK HIM FIRST, B4 I DO. IT SAYS SO MANY THINGS THAT HE WENT THROUGH AND I WANTED SO BAD TO FIND SOME WAY OF GETTING HIM BACK HOME, BUT THAT NEVER DID GET TO HAPPEN...AND I AM SORRY, FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART...IF HE FEELS THAT I DIDN'T DO  ALL THAT I COULD, BUT I DID TRY. I CALLED SENTATORS, REPRESSENTATIVES....I DID ALL THAT I COULD, UNTIL I GOT STRUCK DOWN...WITH ALL OF THIS PAIN, THENM I COULDN'T DO ANYTHING...I CAN BARELY TAKE CARE OF MYSELF RIGHT NOW.:P
...BUT I CAN SAY THAT MY CONSCIENCE IS CLEAR, FOR I TRIED....DID ALL I COULD, BUT IT WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH TO GET HIM HOME. I DID THE BEST THAT I COULD.

I WAS A GOOD MOM...ALWAYS HAVE BEEN AND WILL CONTINUE TO BE A GOOD MOM. MY KIDS COME FIRST TO ME AND THAT IS THE WAY THAT IT SHOULD BE!!...I JUST WISH THAT HE COULD UNDERSTAND THAT I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE...AND STILL AM, BUT DUE TO WHAT MY BODY IS PUTTING ME THROUGH...IT MAKES IT EXTRA HARD. TO JUST MAKE IT THROUGH A DAY...AND I PRAY ONLY FOR HIS SAFETY AND WELL-BEING, OUT IN THIS MAD CRAZY WORLD...THAT IS REALLY THE DEVILS PLAYHOUSE.



WHEN, U ADD ALL OF THIS UP...U GET PAIN AND A LOT OF IT..BUT WHEN U ADD THE HEARTACHE TO THE MIX...IT JUST INTENSIFIES IT. THIS IS JUST SOME OF MY PROBLEMS , BUT WE ALL HAVE OUR "OWN CROSS" TO BEAR AND THAT IS LIFE.

I ALSO, HAVE BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH ADDISON'S DISEASE, WHICH IS A BONUS PROBLEM THAT HAS BEEN UTTER "H" ON TOP OF ALL THE OTHERS AND IT CAN BE DEADLY...IF, NOT TREATED PROPERLY, BUT I AM STILL HERE...FIGHTING TO SEE IT TO THE FINISH...HOPING THAT ONE DAY, I WILL BE ME AGAIN...AND ABLE TO DO BE THE MOM THAT I ONCE WAS.
I SURE HOPE THAT IT WILL HURRY UP...I AM MISSING SOOOO MUCH TIME...IN MY KIDS LIVES...AND WITH MY FAMILY THAT REALLY HURTS. YEP, MY <3 IS ON THEM...AND THEIR LIVES...AND THEY JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I AM IN PAIN...ME EITHER, FOR THAT MATTER.
I JUST PRAY THAT THEY HOLD ON...FOR ME AND GIVE ME A CHANCE TO SHOW JUST HOW MUCH I LOVE THEM.:))))))))))
I WILL BE ABLE TO GET BACK ON MY FEET AGAIN, ONE DAY..."LORD'S WILLING".
I AM TRYING EVER SO HARD TO GET THERE...AND I AM SURE THAT I WILL NEED SURGERY EVENTUALLY, ON MY BACK OR NECK FOR THAT MATTER, BUT I PRAY THAT I CAN MAKE IT, WITHOUT IT.
I JUST WANT TO GET ON WITH MY LIFE...WITH MY FAMILY.
I AM IN PAIN AND CAN'T WALK TOO GOOD, BUT UNTIL THEN, THE LORD IS WATCHING OVER ME...AND I THANK HIM FOR BEING THERE...AWAYS, FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. I KNOW HE LOVES ME...AND WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME, ANYTIME.
PEACE TO ALL...AND MAY GOD BLESS U.:))<3 K